Big Emotions & Alma Maters

The following is a slightly longer post than usual because it’s a personal story.

My son called last week on the way to the last exam of his college career. He asked if I would load one last deposit onto his campus “one card.” He said that after his exam, he wanted to work out at Carmichael gym one last time and then head over to Fountain for one last meal in a dining hall (he probably hasn’t done either of those in ages since he moved off campus as an upper-classman).

Suddenly, a lump rose and stuck in my throat and tears filled my eyes. It was all I could do to keep my voice from cracking as I said, “What a great idea! Of course, I’ll put some money on your card. Have fun!” I quickly hung up the phone and cried.

You might assume this was simply the response of a mother who’s first born is graduating college. But after a few years in spiritual direction, I am better at sensing when something actually goes deeper than the obvious, even if I can’t put my finger on it right away. So, later that afternoon, I found a quiet space and asked the Lord where those feelings had come from.

I was shocked when God said, “He’s leaving your alma mater.”

For those who don’t know my story, high school and college were the worst years of my life. I held a secular worldview that confused evil with good and good with evil (Is. 5:20). The choices I made lead to chaos and darkness. By God’s grace, in my early 30s He delivered me out of that pit and brought me to Jesus, my Savior and Lord. In my late 30s with the help of a good, godly therapist, I was able to look back at those years and find healing and freedom. However, being a forward thinker by nature, I don’t reminisce or even think about high school or college.

So, you can imagine my shock when the Lord told me it was the tie to my alma mater that was bringing on these strong emotions… I honestly didn’t know I had any emotions tied to that place. I mean, I’ve been on the campus several times over the last few years with my son and never felt anything like that. Yet, I knew in my gut that it was true. Somehow, this place becoming his alma mater too made a new emotional tie, a legacy some might call it, that suddenly brought forth lots of new, strong emotions.

I share all of this because this story highlights the importance of spending time in reflection with God about what’s going on under the waterline in our souls. If we don’t get used to doing this sort of interior reflection, we will likely make assumptions about ourselves, our feelings and responses. Or worse, let others label what they think is going on inside us. In fact, some people have taken the word of amateur analysts (parents, spouses or even children) as the truth about who they are, or why they respond to things the way they do, when it may not be the full truth. All of this false narrative just adds another layer to the false self.

I am grateful the Lord has taught me to go to Him and find the root of sudden emotional responses. It enabled me (3 days later) to take time aside to pray the morning of my son’s graduation. I told God I knew that big emotions might surface and asked Him to help me ground myself in His presence. This enabled me to be gentle with myself and stay connected to those around me, which is important for me because when I feel overwhelmed I tend to be short with others or disengage with them totally in order to conserve all my emotional energy and keep myself composed. Yes, that’s another truth I’ve discovered about myself over the last three years of spiritual direction.

Have you been taught how to reflect and process what’s going on under the waterline of your soul? If not, consider meeting with a good therapist; or if you have already done that work, you might try a meeting with a spiritual director. I have learned more about my true self in the last 3 years than I ever did from years of simply taking personality and leadership assessments.